Last night, you laid next to me and rocked my foundation, as your presence always does. With all the breaths that happened, with all the heartfelt words exchanged, you made me believe you over and over again. That you did used to love me and that you always will. That it wasn't just me in it alone. You said to me "I wish you could have known me at a different time" and I don't think anything you've ever said to me healed me quite like that did. In those simple words you said that you loved me, love me, and enjoy who I am now.
You'll never have any way of knowing how those words made my heart splinter and ache and leak something out that was filled with all of our memories. You'll never know that my breath still catches when you smile. You'll probably never know that when I told you, last night in the darkness of the room, that "No matter how much time goes by that I'll always love you" how true it is and how much I wish it wasn't. I don't think you'll ever know how I watch your body move when you walk and think how all that you are makes me feel lost and complete. I'll never tell you that last night, in our darkness, that I would have kissed your lips had you leaned in just enough. I'll also never tell you how grateful I am that you didn't. I'm grateful because you'll never know how your kisses stir me and make me desire things that I don't have the strength to want. I'll never tell you that last night, in the words of our darkness, you made me feel beautiful. I'll never tell you that in the few hours leading up to the moments we spent next to one other in the dark how happy you made me feel to know you and how nervous you always make me. It's an odd feeling... being completely at ease while nervous and worried. I don't think you will ever comprehend that those dark moments are something I've thought of for years and that, as of late, haven't been able to get out of my mind. You didn't know that. You didn' know how much I wanted to lie next to you in the dark close enough to touch but much too far away to make your skin feel mine. You didn't know how I wanted you to tell me that "you remember so much more than I think you do"...but you did - you did tell me that. Your eyes meant it and your eyes never lie. Your eyes are always what give you away and they are the reason those moments in our darkness will heal me and haunt me for too many days to come. You're everything. You always will be. You'll never know this because I would never tell you because you don't deserve it and because no matter how much I will always love you... I will never give you that much power again. You've changed. You've grown up. You're beautiful. You make my hands shake in this steady kind of way that I almost find humor in. You make me want to be something that I can't. You make me proud of who I am without meaning to. Your words spoken in our darkness resonate louder than any of the ever falling pieces you left in my chest. Our darkness is the light that I was missing before last night. The minutes that I listened to you breathe. The hours that you laid there next to me. The evening you spent by my side. These things can't happen to anyone else in the same way as they do with us. It's different when it's us. It's something stronger. Something deeper. Something...beautiful and scarred and something that I fear will never happen again. Those moments, side by side, matching breaths, full of memories searching for air... that was it. Just those last night.
When we were talking about my tattoos and he called me a work of art and you cringed, I wanted you.
When you laughed and your hand naturally found my leg, I missed you so desperately it steals my breath even now - after you've gone.
When you told me "I have nothing to be ashamed of", I felt invincible.
When you spoke of yourself and said "I could be better", I worshiped you.
When you thanked me for telling you that "you're great and that everyone could always be better" I pitied you.
And when your breath caught in your chest when I told you that you would never know the full extent of how you shattered me. That you would never know about the doctors and the pills and the wreckage you left behind... I loved you.
I'll always love you.
I'll always be the pieces that you made and you'll always make me feel whole when you're around. But last night, in our darkness, when your heart ached for hurting me, you changed my life again. Our darkness will always be a picture I wish I had so I know to never forget those moments in which I wanted the whole world to stop so I could feel your words forever.
I'll never hear your breath catch like that again. It's a one time thing and now it's gone and so are you. You weren't supposed to stay. I didn't even know what was left to be said when it wasn't dark anymore. Not because it was light but because there was too much and not enough hanging in the air. There were too many things that were brought to life and laid to rest to have much to say when our darkness was over.
Thank you. For lying in the dark, by my side, and telling me that it wasn't my fault. I always knew it and I'll still never know. Oddly enough, you'll always be my darkest hour and my greatest joy because you touched all of me. Every smile, every tear, every cell, my whole soul, were all touched and moved and manipulated into a form that carries you with it always.
Thank you for always knowing how to make me laugh and never ignoring the beauty of our comfort. Thank you for knowing that I need to make jokes to keep from crying. Thank you for our darkness and thank you for never knowing that from the very first time we ever laid side by side in the dark I made my breath match yours. Thank you for never knowing how lovely and twisted it was to force my inhales and exhales to match yours exactly because it always brought me sleep. Thank you for having not the slightest of clues that there hasn't been a moment in all of our hours in all of our nights that my breath wasn't constructed to match yours. Thank you for lying next to me in the dark last night and allowing me, for the very first time, to breathe next to you, off beat.
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