If it changes your life - Let it.

I thought about him quite frequently this weekend, but it bothered me much less. The idea that I am bothered by this, I have shared with a few close friends, and they tell me it is not insane and that they would feel the same way. Some how, this made it better. It made it easier to not feel so ashamed of the humiliation and the despair that have taken residence in my chest the past few weeks. It made me feel less like it was me than it was a normal reaction. It bothers me still but it hurts less. This was a huge step, resulting in a wonderful Monday morning. Maybe there were things about him that I didn’t see yet that would have appeared too late and I would have been trapped. I’m not good at walking away from things, when I know I should, if I am emotionally involved. Maybe he would have been another heart break that I couldn’t have survived. I will learn to take this as something I wouldn’t have been able to avoid, had he stayed such a force in my mind and be happy that the universe bestowed the kindness that it did in removing him from my path.

I watched such wonderful movies this weekend. Somehow, in all of my thousands of movie mornings, afternoons, days and nights, I had never seen Tuesdays with Morrie. What a phenomenal film. This too, helped quiet the pain in my chest. The wisdom of those whose lives that have already been lived will never stop astounding me. The things that I look back at now and think of how silly and trivial they were to have been fretting over. I don’t believe that it changes how you should have been effected but it does feel nice to look back at how far I have come in 26 years. When you feel like your whole world is falling apart, it’s okay to feel that way because, at the time you are shattering, it is actually the end of your world. There may not be death, their may not be a change in the Earth you walk on, it doesn’t change that it is the end of your world. After being hurt like I was with the loss of my first love, my world was over because it has never, nor could it ever be the same. With the loss of my father, my world was over for so many reasons. My face would never be touched by his loving eyes. My ear would never hear the beat of his heart. My many days to come, so full of numerous important things, would never have his support or kindness or love in attendance. He was gone and so was the world as I knew it. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to have my world changed or even brought to an end. I read something that was so simple and in such few words, changed my attitude towards so many things…

These simple words: If it changes your life – let it.

The anxiety labeled fear, breeds in my blood when I think of ever losing this information that I inadvertently learned and instantaneously fell in love with… if it changes my life – let it. If I miss someone or gain someone or love someone or lose someone or hurt someone or cry until I can’t remember how to catch my breath… just let it happen. Let it change me like it is going to either way. Let it change me like it needs to. I learned that if I take in account all the things I fight so hard against I spend far too much of my time fighting life. Fighting others, fighting myself, fighting situations and feelings and moments. Moments that could very likely take me to some place new and teach me how to be someone new that instead I fight. If it changes my life – let it. Just learn to let it.

It’s odd how such simple words could make me excited to be someone new.

While watching the movies, that I did, this weekend I suddenly felt different. Different about myself and different about the coming months. I have been going back and forth with myself about getting my shit together and losing weight. I’m not a monster but I weigh much more than I should. A couple of the movies I watched were stories of an extraordinary kind of love. Love that, in some ways, actually did create miracles. Love that is something so beautiful and so unique that there wouldn’t be a way to replicate this sort of magic if you wanted to. Love that is built so firmly within the identities of such individuals that it has no choice but to be one of a kind.

So many people that I know, none of which who read this or even know this blog exists, tell me that I am “unique”. I was told once, years ago, before I was even really aware of what a compliment I was receiving , that I was “intriguing because I was unique”. To some, these words are a few of many that could be used to make someone feel the way you want them to that will help you reach the ultimate goal of head fucking them so royally that they can’t remember who they were before your invasion. These words, in the context of the compliment I received, weren’t to get me into bed or to make me feel in any way different that the moment before the words were spoken for any purpose that just providing the information about a feeling. I wish I had housed the ability then to step back and realize what it means to be intriguing, especially if your intrigue stems from originality. In one word you go from being someone, just one in a sum, to being one who stands alone. What a brilliant thing to be. Someone who is unique. I am allowing myself to find the beauty in this, all these years later, because it is something that I was slowly losing sight of. I tend to do that. Allow things, even and sometimes especially, the important things to become smeared into gray when I feel rejected or lose sight of my worth. While I don’t carry confidence in many things, I do own, proudly, my accomplished desire to be someone who is in deed, unique. In all the heartache I have been dealt and all the drama I have been weaved in to and all loss and agony I have survived, I have survived uniquely. I have survived as exactly who I am. Someone the same, someone different, someone weaker, someone stronger, someone bigger, someone smaller, someone broken and someone whole – I have survived as me. This is something that I take great pride in, today more than others for a reason unknown. I am not perfect, nor would I want to be. I am not demonic, nor would I try to be. I am not beautiful, I am not revolting, I am not completely compassionate nor completely hard. I am however, me, and while it may fall in only a moment, I take great pride in me today.