Adam...

I thought of you this morning when first waking. I don't know what brought you to my mind, you were just... there. I wondered how you were, Adam, and if your heart has healed. I don't know what broke it, nor would I ever ask, but I know the pieces of our heart's identify with one another's and know that they have common scars. I know your siblings treat you like mine treats me. Like you are nothing. Like you aren't good enough or smart enough or funny enough. I don't really have a way to tell you this but you ARE good enough and ARE funny enough, and you ARE much kinder and unique and beautiful an individual than most in this world, your brothers included. You have this childlike thing about you, that you are always waiting for that moment that they are going to let you in to their "club". You are in your 30's and somehow you are still waiting for that day. The day you gain entrance. What a beautiful soul you have, Adam. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that your soul is that good. You have made mistakes, many that hurt others, as have we all. I hope that you forgive yourself for those and know that from the time I was a small child I have always looked up to you and still do. Your ability to have that childlike wonder and carry something about you like you do, so buried, I sort of admire. I can identify with it sooner than others, because of the way my brother makes me feel. I see it in your eyes, when we are all together for family things... I see how much it hurts you and how much you wish it didn't. It's held deeper than mine though. You keep it more sheltered from the eyes of observers. You keep it hidden amongst laughter at yourself when a joke is made at your expense because you laugh along and cry later. I can't get mine that deep. I cry at the joke.

I admire you, Adam. I always have. You're beautiful and kind and completely yourself and I love you.

I hope that you have a holiday that has something special. Something that reminds you that you are loved, in abundance, on this holiday, as every other. A small part of me sees you...and recognizes a  hero.

Merry Christmas, Adam, and Thank You.
Thank you for giving me faith to be myself at several different moments in my life that you had no idea you were giving me that unspoken permission. Thank you.

Thank you for being yourself in times you could have "blended in". Thank you for giving me the strength to do that in so many moments that you didn't have any idea that I was watching.

Thanks, Adam. Just for being who you are.