My Original Goodbye

Saying goodbye… It’s such a complex thing. So many goodbyes are because someone did wrong. Goodbye to the one who did the wrong or because you were that someone. Goodbye because you love someone too much. Goodbye because you can’t find it in you to love someone enough. Goodbye because someone left this world in one of so many possible ways. Goodbye because you can’t seem to remember why they were there in the first place. Goodbye because you can’t be what or who someone needs you to be.

Today though – I had one of the hardest goodbyes. A goodbye to someone, for myself, because of the someone he makes me. Goodbye because of the upset and worry and internal strife that are caused by being left in the dark. He was “sorry for leaving me in the dark” and right after that… the lights went out again.

The “dark” is where I find my mind runs the wildest. It’s possible this is so for everyone but the wild of my mind is so much more…so much worse. The dark that my mind runs in tends to find things that aren’t there. Things that have never, could never be there. The dark is where my mind goes to play, to run and thrive on all the poison that lies awaiting a weak and vulnerable visitor. It waits just for my mind. It awaits entrance and laughs haughtily as the rash of the darkness spreads…

Ring around the roses,

thoughts full or poison,

Ashes – she’s burning to ashes,

her mind falls dead.

When this poison takes over, the laughter that rings is only at me for believing. The joyous screeching heard, in condescending tone, comes from the mouths of all the memories that scream aloud that they told me so. I told me so, you told me so, they told me so and because I wasn’t able to hear it, or ignored it when I was, the poison creeps back in, like ivy vines through my veins…laughing…mimicking…told you so.

Told. You. So. It keeps poking and prying until a resentful retreat of the pride that applied for a moments entrance takes place and the ride takes hold. Round and round the told you so ride will go. Round and round until the poison is holding everything up for show. All the trophies of my mind that this poison holds, all labeled with the ever taunting Told. You. So.

This goodbye was…original at least. A situation unreciprocated, a longing gone unfulfilled, led to this goodbye which was in deed…original. What’s hard about this goodbye is that so much lies in the valley of the unknown. He was…lovely. He was…spectacular. He was…something. He was…the light keeper as he was…the one who kept me in the dark. In all the darkness though, he was…original.

So here’s a toast to my very first, Original Goodbye…

Here’s hoping that you find things in life that keep you smiling unfailingly and things that possess enough beauty to make you cry.

Here’s wishing you all the best going back to art school in January. I know you will succeed because you won’t stop until you do.

This is me, desiring for you to move on in life as a continued possessor of an endless desire I can some day see strewn passionately across a canvas.

Here’s to you, my Original Goodbye, wishing you nothing but an eternal longing for what you truly believe is the reason for your existence.

I wish I could have seen what the sunlight did to your eyes and what the moonlight did to your voice. I wish I could have seen, if only for a moment, what your arms looked like wrapped around my lungs. What your words looked like prying into my heart and what your laughter felt like filling my sadness. I would have loved to have known you more because I feel like you could have made me a new kind of …original.

Here’s to you, and what will never be. Our originality could have been beautiful, I think. And I think… I’m going to miss you.

The sweetest of dreams, you beautiful creature, for the darkness you bring is at rest.